


A letter to you

by fridaysfun



Series: Letters to Alexander [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec dies, Death, Letter, Love, M/M, Malec, Shadowhunters - Freeform, alec lightwood - Freeform, alexander lightwoood, magnus and alec - Freeform, magnus bane - Freeform, magnus letter to alec, sh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 12:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14378391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridaysfun/pseuds/fridaysfun
Summary: Alec has passed away for 9 years. And Magnus is still here, writing letters to him.





	A letter to you

_My dearest Alexander,_

_I know you’d hate me for doing this but I can’t help myself. It’s been so long and I’m still here, waiting for you._

_I miss you._

_I don’t know how to properly write down all my thoughts and emotions but I’m trying. I don’t think it will help me or anyone eventually. You will never be able to read that letter and the only one who will be hurt again is me._

_Not that I ever stopped hurting._

_Sometimes I just give everything up. I come back home and spend the night on the couch, crying and talking to Chairman. I think I’m out of my mind, Alexander._

_I wish you were here._

_You know, sometimes I catch myself laughing at myself too. I think of you and then I think of Ragnor. He’d laugh at me for still crying over you, for still writing letters to you and then throw them in the fireplace and seeing the papers burn through the fire. He’d laugh but he’d hate me too because I never wrote a letter to him after he died. You know how much I loved him, how much I love him, but I never felt the urge to write him something._

_But with you, it’s different. It’s always been different._

_So, at this point I’m sure you’d be wondering how life’s going. And you’d be expecting me to say that everything is starting to get better. You’d say that pain is temporary and I’d get over it and start living again. Well, even though I’d lie for you. I would lie for you because I’d need to see you smile and be happy and say “good”. But now, now that I know you won’t be here to smile at me again, I’ll write nothing but the truth._

_Life’s not going well._

_After you, nothing is the same._

_Now you’d laugh, wouldn’t you?_

_“It’s been 9 years, Magnus.”_

_I just wrote a possible but impossible-to-ever-hear-again answer of yours._

_Hell, I really am losing my mind._

_Anyway._

_The pain is still here, Alexander. I’m hurting, I’m still crying, I’m still sleeping in your side of the bed, having Chairman in my arms (and you know how much I hate sleeping next to that hairy beast). I just need warmth. And you are not here to give me that. So I keep up with that._

_Now, you’d be mad at me. You’d say to me that you want me to live my life, to forget you, to move on._

_But it’s so difficult, Alec. It’s so difficult._

_I can’t do it. After so many years, I’m still unable to move on. And to be entirely honest? I don’t think I’ll ever be._

_“Don’t say that, Magnus. You’re immortal. You’ll forget me eventually,” you’d say._

_But I won’t._

_Now, out of all these times being alone and lonely, I know. I know I won’t be able to forget about you. Never._

_One good thing you’d probably be happy about is that I started seeing clients again. A few months ago._

_At first, I refused to work or do anything, but I guess I just needed to keep my mind busy._

_And it helps at some points. I work for a few hours per day, and it clears my mind, it helps my eyes recover from the eternal burning._

_They always burn. Some days I am not even able to sleep because they’re burning more when I close them. I never knew that crying this much would cause them that._

_They're burning right now. The paper will be wet after I’m done writing. I just can’t help it. The sobbing catches me unprepared all the time. I am not even thinking of something specific when it happens. I just remember my life, now, before you, after you and I end up tearing up. It’s just a hobby now I guess, right? (chuckling.)_

_Cat asked me about you the other day. She doesn’t do it often. Sometimes I just lose myself in my thoughts and she tries to cheer me up. Pointless to say, it’s not possible. There’re some days I try really hard to smile just to reassure her that I’m getting better._

_I’m a better actor than I thought, remember that?_

_Well, to answer your question (I’m sure you want to know what she asked me about you), I confessed to her that I miss you. For the first time after all these years, I did it out loud._

_I always miss you. The feeling, it’s just there all the time, it never goes away._

_My heart needs you and misses you terribly, my love._

_I miss you. I just miss your beautiful smile, these adorable crinkles that always appeared on your pinky cheeks when you were laughing. I miss your eyes, those thick black eyelashes of yours. (I was always jealous of them, how could you have these eyelashes but still having no makeup on? It was unrealistic!)_

_I miss your inky messy, but always so soft hair. I loved the scent of your hair, even when you were using my sandalwood shampoo or not. I always loved running my fingers through it but shuuuush_ _, don’t tell anyone, but I loved your face even more while I was doing that._

_The view of you closing your eyes, and almost silently, moaning every time I was doing that is so clear in my head right now._

_I miss you so much, you’ve no idea. Nobody can understand how much I miss you. Not even you._

_I miss you waking up next to me, sleeping next to me at nights and wrapping your arms around me in the early hours after the sun has risen. I just miss kissing you good morning, talking you about my plans for the day, listening to you complaining about the dumbest thing that has happened to you at the institute, going on dates with you, eating together on the balcony, taking showers together (I know how much you loved that too), going on road trips._

_Remember that one road trip we went for your 33rd birthday?_

_I never really knew you liked road trips until Isabelle called me. I can’t even remember how the conversation started but I clearly remember her telling me how much you loved going on road trips when you were a teen. And that’s how I got the idea._

_You must have seen your smile when I asked you if you wanted to go on a road trip with me. That was one of these very moments I was falling for you even more._

_It was such a great, sunny and warm day. It was one of the best days of my life, Alexander. You know why?_

_Because it was one of the days you were really happy. You couldn’t stop smiling. And it really warmed my heart. You were sitting next to me in the car, listening to music and talking to me about literally everything. And I loved it. I loved seeing you that way. You even sang, remember?_

_I’m smiling so much right now and I’m so thankful anyone isn’t here to see me like that. I’m just a sobbing mess over a paper, smiling like a lovesick teen._

_You were the most adorable thing that way, my dear. I wish I could go back then and live that moment all over again._

_It is probably one of the most loved memories of us._

_I should probably stop writing to you right now, hm?_

_But I love it so much. It feels like I can talk to you, like I may get an answer from you one day._

_But I won’t, will I?_

_And that’s why this letter will be thrown in the fireplace like the previous ones._

_You know, I really really miss you now. Maybe writing to you makes the whole situation, the pain, even worse._

_I wish we had more time together. I wish everything was different. But it wasn’t. And now I can’t do anything to change that and neither can you. But I’ll survive I guess. It’s what I need to do._

_For you._

_Because I have to keep my promise._

_Of course, I remember the promise I made, dear. One of the last few days you were here you asked me to promise you that I will stay strong because that’s what I always have been, as you insisted._

_I don’t know if I really was strong, to be honest. But you were seeing me this way so I have to work on it. I have to be strong. And I will, I promise you that again._

_I miss you._

_I know I probably wrote that again like ten times but it’s the truth._

_I wish you were here._

_You know you have always been my rock. You were my anchor, Alexander, and trust me on that, you were the first person in my entire life that has been there for me everytime I needed help. You were there to just talk to me and make me forget about everything, you were there to make me feel better, to let me know how much you love me, how much I mean to you, how much I helped you. And I always turned it back to you._

_Because it was the same for me._

_Even until you left me, you probably didn’t know how much you meant, how much you mean to me. And I reassure you, nothing has changed._

_The feelings are still here. I’m still utterly in love with you.  You still mean the most to me._

_The only thing that has actually changed, now I think about it, it’s that you are not physically here anymore._

_And it sucks._

_I wish I could do anything to change it. I would give up everything to bring you back to me._

_I love you so much, my angel._

_Hell, I’m crying so hard right now and my hands are shaking. My writing is probably really bad._

_Not that anyone will see it anyway._

_The fireplace will be a good place for that terrible writing of mine._

_So, where was I?_

_Ah, yes._

_I was saying how much I love you._

_Someone would probably laugh at me for saying that I’m still in love with you, but I am. Do you believe me? I don’t want anyone else to do so, just you. I hope you believe me because it’s the truth._

_I love you. And I miss you._

_You have your own box now._

_I just have a big box for you, my Alexander._

_At a time in my life I realized that I would never put a single thing of yours in the box that I kept stuff from my previous loves of my life in. You didn’t deserve that because you were different._

_So I got another box. For you._

_I have a lot of your stuff in there, one of your silver bracelets you always kept like they were made of gold or something, your watch, your toothbrush, one of your arrowheads (I know you said that to me in a bitter way when we fought for the first time when you found out my box but I had to), that concealer I bought you when we went to France and you never really emptied it._

_Parenthesis._

_One of the things I really loved about you was you being confident for your appearance. I always put on makeup but you? You never wanted to. Until that time in that hotel in France you got bitten by that spider on your face and you wanted to cover it with some concealer so I bought you that. I loved that about you._

_So, let’s get back to your stuff._

_I kept all of your books too. I got a new bookcase just for your books and I put it in the living room. It’s next to the door so anyone can see your books when they come in._

_It hurts me sometimes, looking at it. Looking at the bookmarks they pop up through the pages, looking at the underlined words._

_You never wanted me to read your books so I wouldn’t be able to see what you underlined or kept as favourites, but I couldn’t help myself._

_I did it eventually, 5 or 6 years after you were gone. I was curious and even if I’m glad I did because I really loved every single line you had underlined in your books, I invaded your privacy and I apologize for that._

_So, I think it’s time to say goodbye._

_Again._

_I just want to make it clear before the fire destroys that letter._

_You perhaps wasn’t my first true love, Alexander, and I know that was always bothering you, but now I can reassure you that you’re my last._

_You meant and still mean everything to me, my dear. And that will never change._

_I wish you’re fine wherever you are. I hope you found some peace._

_I will always be here fighting for me, for you._

_Goodbye. Again._

 

_PS. I never really chuckled when I joked that crying is my hobby now._

_Forever yours,_

_Magnus._

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts.  
> 


End file.
